Friday, February 5, 2010

On being a “flame of love”

Pisces Horoscope for week of February 4, 2010

Verticle Oracle cardPisces (February 19-March 20)
I wish you could aim tachyon particles through an inverted positronic array while simultaneously modulating synaptical relays through an anti-matter torque-buffer. This would bend the space-time continuum back to a point before your recent detour began. Then, armed with knowledge of the future, you'd be able to navigate your way more elegantly through the crazy mash of illusions and misunderstandings. But since the high-tech solution I described may not be possible, I suggest that instead you clear your head of theories about why people are doing what they're doing. Slow yourself down so completely that you can see the majestic flicker of eternity hidden in every moment. Be a flame of love, not a swamp of self-justification. And send humble notes and witty gifts to anyone whose links with you got tweaked.

-From freewillastrology.com

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I believe I’ve started this out on a horoscope note before…so nothing new there.  I’m a pretty religious horoscope reader, but only from freewillastrology.com.  I find daily horoscopes to be mundane and filled with useless guidance.  I mean, how can you predict the events of a 24-hour period from something as vast as the stars and the universe?  It just seems like an abuse of one’s galaxy interpreting talents.  Freewillastrology.com mixes the universe with a little quotation, anecdote, science, and anything else handy that is lying around.  I always feel like it’s advice from a good friend as opposed to an astrological mandate I am forced to follow.   

This most recent horoscope has really spoken to me in my current state.  As you all probably know…I’m back in South Africa.  Somehow I can’t stay away from this place, for better or worse.  I came here on a mission of love: to explore a relationship with someone I felt strongly connected to in my previous sojourn to SA.  Unfortunately that has totally gone to pot.  Like before even a month in SA had elapsed…but such is life sometimes.  My email signature ends my electronic correspondences with the quote “A ship is safe in harbor, but that’s not what ships are for.”  (William Shedd).  Although this most recent adventure has, with respect to the intended mission, ended in complete failure…I must console myself with the thought that at least I had the guts to attempt what seemed like an impossible and ridiculous undertaking.  A mission to cultivate love.  As many struggle in this life with their own situations, I should be so lucky to be able to set out in pursuit of something so frivolous.  No matter what storm may threaten…my ship must sail. 

Because of how things have played out with this prospective lover of mine…well, I’ve been feeling pretty depressed.  I don’t want to say much about the details.  Not only will it paint this other person in a very dark shade but it also does nothing for me to move forward.  The times I’ve related this tale just seem to make me dwell more on the subject and that’s no good.  Suffice to say it hasn’t been nice.  Dishonesty and cowardice seem to be the legacy that he will leave with me.  But that’s his choice and at the end of the day I just feel sorry for him.  It’s a horrible way to deal with other people and although it seems like you may escape a situation using those techniques…I am willing to bet that those behaviors come back to you in the end.  That bitter taste you leave in another’s mouth will follow you around with the obedience of a well-trained sheep dog. 

I’ve been laying around in bed a lot feeling sad and pondering “Why? Why? Why?”  The astrological words above are just another voice telling me to move forward and for that I am grateful.  This advice has been echoed in the words of comfort offered by my friends and finally, this week, I feel like I can heed the words.  There is no time machine to take me back to redo the recent events of my life.  But I can press forward seeing the “flicker of eternity” in all things while forging myself into a “flame of love.” 

So instead of relating all the sadness and confusion of the past month and 1/2…I’d like to tell you about some of the joys.  Some of the small successes and glimpses of eternity.  These random pleasures have led me to believe, that indeed, I am on a path of light and love in my life with all the benefits it might bring.   

The best part of coming back to a place I called home for 2 years is, hands down, reconnecting with the people I have been able to weave into my spiderweb of humanity.  Ubuntu, baby!  Yeah! There are lots of good stories to tell here, but I will go with the impossible ones to bring a smile to your day.  I know they brought a smile to mine. 

First, Nhawu.  Nhawu is a person I met through someone I am no longer friends with here in SA.  That failed relationship is another ridiculous tale to be buried in SA…but in the end I was left with Nhawu.  I got a good deal.  Nhawu is a guy that one might write off as a bad seed for a number of reasons.  But the strength of his character always shows through to me and never fails to impress.  For that I will champion him until the end, despite what others might say. 

Nhawu rarely has the same phone number.  When I arrived in SA I sent a message to the number I had and some angry stranger replied with a “who is this?” message.  I feared Nhawu to be lost to me.  Shame.  His last residence that I knew of was in my neighborhood and everyday I was looking to the faces of the nameless pedestrians in hopes of resurrecting Nhawu on one of those strangers.

And then one day, out of the blue, Nhawu called me.  He is still in the same place in my neighborhood.  He had some feeling that he must call me, so he dialed my old number.  And there I was.  And there he was.  And I don’t have to gaze at the faces of strangers on the streets of Sunnyside anymore.

Next, Henry.  Henry is a security guard that worked on the street where I lived in 2007.  He’s an old man and we used to chat about life, this, that, and the other.  Some nights I’d pilot my bicycle home from the radio station on campus and Henry would always be there with a kind word and an extra set of eyes to keep me safe.  On cold mornings I would bring him coffee in the jars of Nutella that I used as glasses.  He would often tease me and say that I needed nicer glasses than this.  That he would soon use some of his salary to buy me a nice mug.  Henry used to send me text messages when I would leave Pretoria on the many trips I embarked on out of the Jakaranda City.  After awhile if I didn’t get a message from Henry before I left town then I would start to think that I might have a bad trip. 

The University of Pretoria changed security companies around the end of 2007/start of 2008.  I also changed campuses at this time.  I had lost my cell phone in a wacky 2007 New Years Eve haze, and Henry’s number.  I never saw him again…until this week. 

This week I attended the legendary Onderstepoort Beerfest up at my old campus.  While walking my bookbag to a friend’s car I heard “Hey!  Lynsee?” exclaimed as I passed by two security guards.  It was dark and I couldn’t see nor could I imagine how these two security guards knew me.  Like I said, the Univ of Pretoria changed companies and it’s been a year since I’ve been around.  Many of the guards I struck up conversations with are now gone.  But this guard…I knew.  It was Henry!  Despite the warm feelings and good times soaked in beer that night…reconnecting with Henry will be the lasting memory of Beerfest 2010. 

And then there are the mamas.  Many places here have ladies that clean up and keep things neat.  To most, these are silent figures that sweep and mop, but to me they are usually the most interesting people around.  I have often enjoyed chatting to cleaning ladies (and security guards, as mentioned above) whether they were in a place I was merely passing through or a more permanent fixture in a place I was living.  The mamas of Onderstepoort used to cheer me up each morning as I passed through a long line of industrious cleaning in the corridors.  Greetings exchanged, smiles, and laughs.  It was always just enough to cheer me up after having to wake up early to endure a long day of class in the same windowless lecture hall. 

After a night of abandonment from my prospective lover that ended in my leaving his house…I called my mama.  Mavis.  I just needed to hear her voice and her words of wisdom on the subject.  She said to me “he is like the shit in the toilet and you must flush him.”  Although this wasn’t my intention at the time, after all I flew across an ocean to check this guy, I appreciated her words.  And, in the end, she was right.  I told her that I would come soon to visit her and the other mamas at Onderstepoort.  She said that was a good thing and that when the other ladies saw me that they would become very “noisy.”  When I made it up there the next week…there certainly was a lot of noise made on my behalf. 

It was wonderful to see my mamas.  Although they don’t know much about me and I don’t know much about them…there is an outpouring of love we share that just can’t be beat.  When I left in 2008 I took a picture of all of us and presented a copy to them.  Recently, when I came to their breakroom to chat over a lunch of chicken feet and pap, I saw our picture in a place of honor above the sink where the ladies wash their dishes.  It made me so happy.  I’ve been back to see them a few times now and that love is still there…comforting me in every lunchtime gaze. 

There have been many other most excellent reunions with people that are very special to me: Kenzy, Helen and Ross, all my House 2 brothers, Ramona, Bheki, and many more.  But I think the surprise reunions have put the biggest spring in my step.  A friend of mine once told me that he had never seen a person gather others together they way he had seen it with me.  One of the best compliments I have ever received, ever.  Since he related this to me, I have seen it in action in these small ways over and over again.  It fortifies my belief that mine is a legacy of love on this world, from the smallest to the biggest person.  I am grateful for these reminders. 

My current living situation with Helen, Ross, and baby Nicholas is another blessing I have fallen into here.  I’ve known Helen since my first trip to South Africa in 2002.  Her father is the first person I met here and we have been in touch ever since.  She is originally from South Africa, but studied at the University of Illinois for many years.  Ross, her husband, is from Kansas.  They came here at the end of 2008 to set up shop and we have been strong allies in Pretoria from the moment we began to share the city limits.  Their presence in Pretoria gave me strength even when I was over the mountain in Pretoria North.   

After I left Charlie’s house, I spent a weekend with one of my House 2 brothers and then proceeded to Helen and Ross’s house.  They welcomed me with open arms and I have been here ever since.  I will stay here until I go home in March.  They have graciously shared their home with me and let me know that there is always a place for me in Pretoria…no matter what.  It has been wonderful to be in their house.  We are well matched and I don’t feel like I’m imposing too much on their day-to-day.  I really feel wanted in their house.  Man, I am lucky. 

The best part of staying here is baby Nicholas.  Yeah,  he cries.  Sometimes the “baby alarm” goes off in the middle of the night when he gets unsettled (usually just when I’ve dipped into sleep)…but none of this fazes me.  I mean, he’s a baby.  Sometimes he gets upset.  But when he gets crabby (I call it “crabcakes”), mostly I just feel sorry for him.  How can you be mad at a baby? 

The first day I was left at home with Nicholas was quite an experience.  He just kept looking around and crying.  His frantic glances seemed to say “Where the heck are my parents? And who the heck are you?”  But now that he’s gotten used to me…this baby seriously cannot stop staring at me.  It’s really cool.  I feel like the awesomest thing in the world sometimes.     

The best thing about Nicholas is that my attention is never wasted on this guy…even if he’s crying his head off.  In the days when it was a battle just to get out of bed there was so much joy for me in giving him a cuddle, feeding him, or even changing his diaper.  Your lame problems can easily melt away when there is a baby that needs a new diaper.  Those burdens you carry just don’t matter in the face of a load of poop strapped to a baby’s bottom.  What a relief.   

Finally, another large phenomenon I’ve noticed that must give me strength in the face of all this gloom, is the fact that there are opportunities for me here in Pretoria.  I’ve not worked hard to tease them out of the woodwork, but I have found a few in my days here.  Ultimately, I have decided to come home.  I’m pretty upset still and I feel like if I’m going to be upset and hustling then I might as well be able to play with my friends’ dog, drink a nice beer, meditate on the Metra, and get a 1/2 decent taco.  Simple pleasures of home. 

But in the few weeks since I’ve left Charlie’s home, I have found a number of great leads that could turn into some sort of life for me here in Pretoria.  Volunteer projects that will give me a much needed visa.  Meetings with employees of the US Embassy.  Places to live with friends.  Leads on any number of jobs if I really want to get my hustle on and make this place into a home.  Where there is a will there truly is a way.  But sorry…I just have to go home and see the frozen skyline of Chicago.   

Besides these large patterns I have tried hard to appreciate in my dark days…there are any number of other small beauties unfolding around me:

1.  The Gauteng sky

The sky in Pretoria is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.  Big dark clouds can melt the heat of the afternoon and never drop a single taste of rain.  Maru a pula (rain bearing clouds…in Tswana) whip around the sky of Pretoria in any number of configurations that could rival the most well-crafted meringue.  I’ve spent a lot of time out on the porch where I’m staying just looking at the sky and wandering in my thoughts.  I couldn’t ask for a better backdrop. 

2.  Taxis

Yeah…I love ‘em.  Again, for better or worse.  I’m sure I’ve spouted off about taxis before, but the short version is that they are a minibus form of public transportation here in SA and many other places in the world.  Cheap, flexible, and not operating on a time schedule.  Taxis rock.  Not everyone shares my view…but whatever.  It’s been nice to get back to taxis to get me around.  Looking out at the Magliesberg on my way to Pretoria North with the wind whipping in my hair.  Navigating the hustle and bustle of the South African business districts in search of my taxi.  I’m writing a book on how to use taxis so it’s been good to be back in the thick of things so that I can remember the small details I left out while typing at home. 

3.  Living in Sunnyside

Not always a picnic, let me tell you.  This place is one of the most dangerous neighborhoods of Pretoria.  You just don’t walk alone at night here…and during the day you also look twice.  Helen and Ross live in a relatively calm part of Sunnyside, but still Sunnyside.  I do love that Sunnyside is always heaving with the movements of a bunch of people just trying to get by.  From the students on their way to campus to the prostitutes out turning tricks on the corners.  This place is alive…the beauty and the ugliness of it all.  My favorite part is the constant chorus of vuvuzelas (plastic horns used at soccer matches) that can alert you to the current soccer score on TV.  Who needs network news when you live in Sunnyside?  The victor is being trumpeted from some city block somewhere in the ‘hood. 

4.  Being recognized through the magic of the internet

The other day I was drinking with my friend at the dorm I used to live in and one of the new residents told me that she recognized me.  I was puzzled.  She elaborated that she had googled the name of the dorm and stumbled on my pictures of a braai (BBQ) we had back in November 2007.  She had been nervous about moving from Johannesburg to Pretoria.  She said my pics helped her not feel so nervous.  How cool is that? 

I also got an email the other day asking for permission to use a photo of mine in a magazine.  My photo is going to be published in Geez Magazine (from Canada).  To check out the magazine go to: http://www.geezmagazine.org/  Again…how cool is that? 

PS:  If you are reading this now then you are one of over 1000 viewers to my blog.  Cool!  And thanks for staying tuned to these incessant ramblings…

5.  Reading in Zulu with an elementary student

One of the things I’ve been doing, besides sleeping too much and smoking too many cigarettes, has been to accompany a friend of mine out to a local township to support a library project she has been orchestrating.  A few weeks ago we went out to Mamelodi with some new international students to read books to elementary students at one of the new libraries.  I didn’t do too much reading with the kids, but did get a few words in.  I have been learning Zulu in the last year and, although I pretty much suck at it, I did manage to get a little Zulu reading in with a student.  He read one page and then I read the next one.  The kids were so amazed!  I had kids crawling all over me to check this mlungu (white person) reading in Zulu.  It was really fun and I haven’t really practiced saying words out loud, so it really helped me out a lot.      

6.  The Sun Magazine

Helen, besides quietly appearing and offering me a therapeutic chat on the state of things, has given me another great gift.  The Sun Magazine.  She has about 10 issues laying around the house…score!  The Sun is published from North Carolina and is one of the most compelling compilations of human life (the good and bad) that you could stumble upon.  I started reading it at the Urbana Free Library, probably because of Kai, and have been a devout reader since.  The Sun is a literary magazine that includes an interview with some prominent figure in the progressive world, short stories, black and white photography, poems, essays, Sunbeams (quotes that pertain to the theme for the month), and a section of anecdotes called Readers Write.  Readers Write is the best section because it’s written by regular people about the tragedies and joys that come to us all.  Some of the entries are so heartbreaking, so human.  I’ve always been moved by Readers Write.  I usually flip to this section (at the end of the magazine) and devour it first.  It always reminds me that life is complicated and messy, but sometimes some really cool stuff happens too.  We can only remember this from relating to one another in a forum such as this.  Hollywood and other ways of capturing this humanity just won’t do.  Readers Write is where it’s at! 

For more info: http://www.thesunmagazine.org/

You can find The Sun at some bookstores too.  And don’t think this isn’t for you cos it’s too “liberal” or something.  I got my dad and his wife a subscription for Christmas one year and although my dad claims to be in some conservative camp…he totally dug this magazine.  If you are a human than there is probably something in it for you. 

7.  My friends

Wait...did I mention I have the coolest friends in the world?  Cos I do.  Don't doubt.  I really don't know what I'd do without them.  People stashed in Brasil, the USA, South Africa, and another other corner of the world you could possibly think of.  Folks...you are seriously my reason to live.  Thanks for your continued love and support.  I only hope I can return 1/2 of the favor to you.

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So…I guess those are my daily disasters and victories for the moment.  I still feel a bit lost at the end of the day, but I guess I just have to keep thinking of these little joys that have been happening to me each and every day.  According to the guy that writes my horoscope at freewillastrology.com…the universe is conspiring to shower me with gifts.  He calls it “Pronoia,” the opposite of paranoia.  This is a way of thinking I can get into :) 

I will do my best to try and slow it down…appreciating the flicker of eternity…doing all I can to maintain as a flame of love. 

I hope that you all are well and enjoying life…wherever you might be.  Know that, despite it all, I am safe and doing fine here in South Africa.  I will be home soon.  I fly into NYC on March 17th.  I should be back to the Midwest by the beginning of April.  So you can find me there at that time…plotting for my next great adventure.  As I have said to a few already…turn the heaters on for me…I am not looking forward to leaving the sun. 

As always…keep the faith and spread it gently

Love, Lynsee